| Author | Message | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1182 Registered: 11-2003 |
The Story of the Cat We had the cat put down. Not because of cancer: senility and old age made him sleep in the potatoes in the pantry. The eyes grew long green stalks. For weeks, we told him he was on the savannah, that lithe, tawny female cats awaited him on the other side. The bones in my brother’s back became tracks in the railroad. On my days to bring him lunch, I’d walk to Paris. His swollen head was a station, painted yellow. I told him about the gay wedding procession through the streets in Giverny. A pair of dolls was dressed up like bride and groom. The statue in the square was decorated with white streamers, a top hat on some general’s metal head. Taking the train back, the houses would rush past as if they were the ones in motion. Fields growing rapeseed for cows were the same dizzying color as my brother’s skin. I’d talk about thin women who mostly ate cheese and chocolate. I described the Eiffel Tower at sunset. Before I would leave to go home though, he’d ask me tell him the story of the cat. (Message edited by lauriette on August 25, 2005) (Message edited by lauriette on August 25, 2005) | ||
| Karla Isbell
New member Username: karla Post Number: 15 Registered: 02-2004 |
OK Laurie, you can't win Poem of the Week EVERY WEEK!!!....er, um, well, maybe you can!! I think perhaps with a few minor tweeks, this one should be nominated for IBPC. Just my two cents! Karla | ||
| marty
Advanced Member Username: marty Post Number: 609 Registered: 10-2003 |
laurie, Travelogue with the right dose of mental and emotional stimulants. Great read it was. Cheers brethren Marty | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2058 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Laurie Another brilliant piece. The team of writers that you employ must be working overtime to earn money for the Labor Day weekend.  The "pair of dolls . . . / dressed up like bride and groom" reminded me of the "skimmington ride" in Hardy's The Mayor of Casterbridge in which the local folk lampoon Lucetta and Farfrae with stuffed figures with false faces threatening to expose her marriage to Farfrae as bigamous. A fine and evocative poem, Laurie. Is the information about the cat factual about your cat? Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| Danielle Stokes
Valued Member Username: abornpoet Post Number: 118 Registered: 08-2005 |
Hi Laurie, This is very touching. I wonder as well as Chris about the cat. Factual? Matters not really. Whether it is or isn't won't take away from it's beauty. ~Danielle | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1183 Registered: 11-2003 |
karla, thanks I CAN TOO heehee marty thanks. Travelling to heaven via France. Chris, you crack me up. And 100% true, we had our cat put down in the midst of my brother's dying of cancer. I used France rather than some of my other travel stories. He said he thought we should have the cat put down and that people didn't have the same option. and Danielle, thanks as said, my brother has been gone 5 years. I get flashbacks some time. laurie | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 4989 Registered: 11-1998 |
So good to set the cat's worsening infirmity, Laurie, against the brother's. You had me feeling much more about the brother after you mentioned the cat. I wanted to pick both up in my arms and comfort them. The narrator does well at not falling into sentimentality and tears. Oh, and I loved the bit of misdirection here: "senility and old age made him sleep in the potatoes in the pantry. The eyes grew long green stalks. For weeks, we told him he was on the savannah," It was interesting to think of those green stalks growing out of the cat's eyes which is how the structure here makes it appropriate for the reader to go. Just a couple of tiny, tiny nits: "female cats awaited him on the other side." I think it would be better to leave out the word "cats" -- females would say it all. And here: "Before I would leave to go home though, he’d ask me tell him the story of the cat." Don't think the "though" is necessary. | ||
| Danielle Stokes
Valued Member Username: abornpoet Post Number: 119 Registered: 08-2005 |
Females or even felines?? Just an after thought. ~d | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1184 Registered: 11-2003 |
m, thanks my first write was "females" I will prolly go back to that, because then it ties in the brother later. And I wondered about the end. Strong enough you think? and Danielle. I might just go back to "females" because of the impending brother's death. thanks all xo laurie | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4635 Registered: 07-2001 |
Another well done and better after your usual revision work. I might set the last lines off as a couplet. no though females or felines without cat The second S seems to need more to hold its own with the others. A fine tribute. Thanks. Gary The new, August FireWeed is ready for you to read. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2771 Registered: 07-2002 |
Laurie, A strong read. So completely understated in its anguish. Well done. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1211 Registered: 11-2004 |
Laurie~ Beautiful. thanks ~dale | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1626 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laurie I read this before anyone had commented and first thought was that the end could be stronger. Otherwise loved the green stalks as M mentioned and the counterpoint of brother to the cat was wonderfully done. E | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1187 Registered: 11-2003 |
gary, thanks I agree with all except the 2nd strophe. Some have indicated that is their favorite. It's the ending that concerns me. Lisa, thanks and Dale as well. Emusing, I'll post the revised, which may help or not. Like my "luna moth" I think i need a vote. peace laurie |
